Would you like to buy this print? Every week, there will be ten prints (and that’s it, forever) available for $8 each (including shipping). Each 5x5” print is numbered and signed. Be sure to choose “WEEKLY PRINTS ONLY” for your shipping option at checkout. These tend to sell out — jump on while you can! Here’s that link again.
First time here? Here’s what this newsletter is.
A note for you, if you’re having a bad day.
Hi Friend,
One of the most valuable lessons a teacher can internalize is unconditional positive regard. I think that this principle probably applies to all jobs where you work intimately with other people, but I have only ever been a teacher, and — unlike snappier, trendier ideas that have come in and out of favor in my 15 years in the classroom — I return to it again and again, year after year.
There is probably (definitely) an official definition of unconditional positive regard, but I’ll paraphrase what it means to me. Unconditional positive regard means that you show up to the classroom every day as if it is the very first day of school, and you don’t know anything bad about any of your students. All you know is that each student is a human being with boundless potential to be funny, wise, interesting, and loving. You accept them and you support them, no matter what.
This means that even if Eva threw a literal book shelf in the classroom yesterday (which actually happened in one of my actual classrooms), today Eva is NOT a person who threw a book shelf. Today Eva is a blank slate of a human masterpiece. Today when I see Eva, I will say, “Oh, hi! I feel so happy to see you!” And I will mean it. Because what teacher ISN’T happy to see an amazing student? Amazing students are why we become teachers in the first place.
In life, there are people for whom you maybe shouldn’t have unconditional positive regard. When you have been repeatedly hurt by someone who is in a position of power or intimacy, you can and should establish boundaries for yourself. Trust is not a guarantee in relationships, and that’s OK. But if you’re a teacher, a parent, a therapist, a healthcare worker, or anyone else whose job it is to take care of someone else, unconditional positive regard is important. It doesn’t mean anyone can get away with anything; it means that you have made yourself responsible for establishing a safe place for the people inside your care to grow and change, no matter how messy it may be.
By the way, here’s another relationship in which unconditional positive regard is beneficial: human to self.
Imagine that every day, you are entering a classroom where you are both the teacher AND the student. (In fact, that’s kind of what life is, if we’re getting metaphorical and philosophical about it.) What would happen if you greeted yourself with complete support and acceptance? As if you were a blank slate to yourself; all you knew about yourself was that you were a human being, with potential to be all the things you love about human beings? What if you could show up to the work you had to do with the fundamental belief that you were capable of doing it; that struggle was not evidence of a pattern of ineptitude, but merely a necessary part of the journey?
Easier said than done, of course. You have spent a lot of time with yourself. You know yourself pretty well. But greeting yourself as a stranger from time to time has some real perks. You open the door to possibilities that don’t exist for someone who has deep-set beliefs about their own shortcomings. Think of everything you might learn — or even excel at — if you believed you could.
And, of course, you are going to fail. You are going to let yourself down. Students fail and let themselves down, too. Nine times out of ten, a student who is usually angry and shut-off will continue to be angry and shut-off, no matter how they are regarded. But then, that tenth time comes along, and something is different, and the door is open.
The best part of unconditional positive regard is that you get to show up every day having let go of whatever went wrong the day before. Every day you get to greet a blank slate of a human masterpiece. You get to begin with the statement, “I am happy to see you.” It isn’t only helpful for Student You; it’s a nice relief for Teacher You, too.
Love,
Sophie
Add this to your to-do list.
Think of an animal that makes you smile. Do a Google Image or YouTube search for that animal and look at it for a while. You get to share the earth with this animal! What an amazing thing. (Suggestion: pygmy marmoset.)
A drawing.
Today is Luke’s and my third wedding anniversary (in the midst of our seventh autumn of dating). Here are some pictures I’ve drawn of him / us over the years. (He doesn’t subscribe to my newsletter, so this is purely masturbatory on my part.)
What’s on my mind this week.
(This will be about pregnancy. Skip it if you don’t want to read about pregnancy.)
Everything is swollen. This week, I’ve been especially frustrated that my face and my head and my vocal cords are swollen. The internet confirmed that many women will find that their voice will (temporarily) drop two musical notes while pregnant, WHICH IS NOT IN THE PAMPHLETS ABOUT PREGNANCY, and it SHOULD BE. Singing in the car is a really big part of my life. It is one of the top three physical activities that brings me joy (and one of the top TWO that is SFW). I have multiple singalong cassette tapes and playlists and I spend a lot of time and energy striving to hit the high E6 in “Defying Gravity.” But the internet says, “Pregnant woman, stop trying to sing ‘Defying Gravity.’ Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to. You can burst blood vessels super easily during this time. Seriously, just put on NPR.” I used to feel proud of my voice enough to record videos of bird facts for my Instagram. I liked hearing myself talk about birds. But now I sound like a sewer-monger grunting feather nonsense. My teaching voice, already muffled by the mask mandate, is not clear or commanding as it once was. Yesterday I wished I could climb up on a chair like I used to sometimes to get attention, but pregnancy also means no chair-climbing.
Extras.
This article in The Atlantic about an Iowa newspaper slowly dying is really quite lovely and conjures a delicious nostalgia for anyone who read a local newspaper at any point in their lives.
I learned a lot from the book Wanting by Luke Burgis. There were things in it I took issue with, but also so much that helped me and changed how I look at the world.
Remember when Avril Lavigne went off the rails and stopped being a good girl? What a fun time that was.
I am not going to say that Sarah Squirm was a FRIEND, but I AM going to say that once we shared tacos under the blue line and I couldn’t believe that someone so otherworldly talented was also so genuinely nice. And now she’s on SNL and it was apparent in that first week that she is about to be a fucking huge star, and it feels good that that’s happening to a person who is head-to-heart-to-toe amazing.
My girlfriend Kat told me about Baggu face masks, and she was right: they are the best masks I’ve ever tried.
I realized I’ve never told you guys about JetPens. Enter at your own risk.
re: blank slate...I refer to this as 'Etch a Sketch' living. At the end of the day, I gotta shake it up and clear my mind for the next day. Not a teacher, but I was a parent and this is what I practiced. I wish more teachers took this approach
re: blank slate...I refer to this as 'Etch a Sketch' living. At the end of the day, I gotta shake it up and clear my mind for the next day. Not a teacher, but I was a parent and this is what I practiced. I wish more teachers took this approach