A note for you, if you’re having a bad day.
Dear Friend,
Guess what? MY GIRLFRIEND GOT MARRIED LAST WEEKEND! I sometimes forget that there are people for whom that sentence is kind of weird — like, Does she mean girlfriend in the old-fashioned-now way that women in the ‘80s would say it about other women? But since you read my newsletter, you probably already know that I’m polyamorous, and you might know that I’m five years into a relationship with an amazing writer / activist / thinker / dreamer / rat dad who is not my husband.
I almost deleted that paragraph, since I think it might be a little bit alienating to you. But I hope you know that I’m not trying to say that any relationship structure is better than any other relationship structure — except, of course, the one that’s right for you. There are healthy and unhealthy poly relationships, just as there are healthy and unhealthy monogamous relationships. What most people are striving for is to understand what it means to love with one’s whole heart, and to feel loved (and worthy of love) in return. That could take a million different shapes, and by now (2022) that should be obvious.
One of my favorite things about dating more than one person is the opportunity to practice compersion. My word processor just went, “I think you meant ‘comparison,’” and I was like, “No,” so it was like, “Compression?” And I was like, “No,” so it was like, “FINE WELL I’M UNDERLINING THAT NON-WORD IN RED DOTS.” But it shouldn’t be a non-word, because regardless of relationship status, I bet you’ve felt it: it is a feeling that describes the opposite of jealousy. It is a feeling of being really joyful for another person that you love; of feeling genuine, deep-in-the-bones happiness because you see that they’re happy, and you love them, so they have become a part of you. It feels really good; sort of like a sparkly champagne-lungs flutter. The website I linked to above defines it this way:
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly.
When have you felt it?
We’re culturally not really encouraged to feel this opposite-of-jealousy feeling — that would mean, after all, that we aren’t rugged individuals, at our best when we are achieving in order to show our own superiority. So if you’re having a hard time coming up with an instance of compersion, that’s OK. I think that once you start looking for it, you’ll find it. Personally, I believe that all that individualistic ego stuff is mostly socialized and capitalist, and that we intrinsically know somewhere deep inside ourselves that we belong to each other.
Let me ask you this, then: whom do you really, really love? Who is someone that makes you feel like you’re in a sunny, open field when you think of them? (Uhhh, adjust to your own tastes if you’re agoraphobic.) Now close your eyes and imagine the reality you wish for them. Imagine what their life would be like if you could compose the life that you dream they could live. I bet it’s a nice life you’ve made up. That’s compassionate kindness, and it’s the first step.
My girlfriend Kat met her now-husband seven-to-nine years ago, and they have the kind of love where you sometimes catch one of them looking at the other one, and the other one doesn’t notice, but the one who is looking gets all melty-eyed, thinking that no one can see. Their wedding was one of those weddings, where everyone comes together and it feels incredibly warm and joyful and hey, let’s just say it, queer af, and people are crying all night because they’re happy that two wonderful people could find each other. Part of it was that we have mostly not been wedding-ing since Covid started (the NYT just had a thing today about how there are soooooo many weddings right now), and it felt good to be back. But most of it was happiness for this celebration of togetherness and love that can dissolve even the most cynical among us.
I want to know about who sets your heart on fire, and who you’re knit up with. A hint: it really might not be a romantic partner. Our friends, our kin, our chosen ones… as the saying goes, if you can count them on one hand, that’s a lot.
I hope you find your people, and that you find yourself among them, celebrating their joys in big and small ways all week long (and far beyond).
Love,
Sophie
PS - literally every person who takes the time to read this newsletter is someone I would count among the humans I feel happiness for. (I have two exes and there are 194 politicians whom I don’t feel this about, so don’t worry: I’m a little discriminating.)
Add this to your to-do list.
Suck on something you wouldn’t normally suck on. Suggestions: a rock, a balled up piece of paper, a safe leaf.
Actively wish for some nice things for someone else. Be specific!
A drawing.
Drawn in 2012, on the occasion of having new markers. Which is a treat.
What’s on my mind this week.
(This will be about new parenthood. Skip it if you don’t want to read about new parenthood.)
T went to the wedding. I bought her an Easter dress from Marshalls that was $12 and was fluffy and cute and the kind of dress I would like to wear. I am a pretty high femme person, and this is not necessarily fair to T, because I love to dress her in frills and pink and sequins and bows. I was re-watching “Nanette” (see below) this week and Hannah Gadsby says something in there about how fucked up it is that we put pink bows on the heads of bald babies — like, we are so obsessed with gendering babies, etc. And I hung my head, knowing she was right. But ugh, I just love those little bows. I am pretty sure I would have put those little bows on T no matter what genitals she’d come out having. Anyway, I asked Luke in advance to be in charge of T during the ceremony because I felt unwilling to miss it, and I was grateful when she started to cry and he carried her away into the kitchen. I was sad he didn’t get to hear the beautiful readings or sob with me, but it was really important to me to be there for that part. On the other hand, Luke was the DJ for the wedding, and so T was with me for the entire reception. She was mostly interested and amicable, but right when the speeches started she got a little fussy and stayed that way for the whole rest of the night. At about 9:30, I started to feel guilty: she was over-stimulated, and this felt like it was my fault, for not thinking through what I was going to do with a baby at the late part of a wedding. But then, so much of baby-having is venturing into the world without a clue about how something will go, and walking away knowing. I don’t think I would have done it any differently, in the end. She got to dance SO MUCH, and my arms got a real workout. And she puked all over my dress many, many times, easily making the definitive case for renting clothing for big events (which, thankfully, I had). Also: my gf’s mom held a sleeping T for the last 30 minutes of the wedding, and man, did I ever feel grateful for her and for the community Kat helped to build. I showed my appreciation by DANCING WHILE LYING ON THE FLOOR.
Extras.
Well, the current genre of music I’m feeling is lyrically-hip. I’m in a big lyrics mood lately. So I have listened to the song “Trevor” by Whitmer Thomas 2,546 times since I heard it for the first time yesterday. My favorite lyric: “I want to have a secret / that when everybody learns it / it makes them all forgive me / for being so annoying.”
I showed “Nanette” to my college humor writing class this week and didn’t remember how much it was going to make me cry; but I think I watched it originally right before I started writing my book, and it gave me the courage to write about things that are serious to me but unpopular to others. This special was loathed among the coolest people in the stand-up community, but it was so meaningful to me, just for the way that it explodes its own format (and its use of “Better Son or Daughter” after the credits). Anyway, Gadsby’s book version of “Nanette” just happened to drop this week.
I went into Women & Children First Bookstore yesterday and was like, “THIS IS THE BEST BOOKSTORE.. I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET THIS.”
My pigeon shirt is back in stock! Please order one so I don’t regret buying 400 more of these; they literally cannot all fit in my office.
If you’re a parent / a pregnant person (or know one of those and want to buy a cool illustrated present made by a badass woman): Eugenia Viti’s “Be Pregnant” just came out, as well as Grace Ferris’s “Mom Milestones,” which are both excellent.
Birds I’ve seen this week that I did not see in December: juncos, brown creeper, nuthatch.
OH. Gwen Stefani has a makeup line, and it’s just like… red lipsticks and black eyeliners and I’m not going to pretend I haven’t already bought it. I bought it instantly. I love Gwen Stefani forever, and I forgive her for being bewitched by that brainwashing so-and-so Rake Smellton.
TWO BOOK EVENTS FOR “DEAR SOPHIE, LOVE SOPHIE” REMAIN, and one is tonight! They’re BOTH online!