here is a response to your question "What are your suggestions for spending time without spending all of yourself?":
1) do you like making lists? i do. if you do, you could make a list (or a number of lists, and then you could have a list of lists!) of things that you "Have" to do, things that you Want to do, things that you Get to do, things that Other people want you to do, or whatever assorted lists make sense. and i encourage you to REALLY think about the meaning of "have to" vs "get to" and "want to" and such.
2) my friend gus once told me this parable. or maybe it's not a parable. maybe it's just a thing. yeah. a thing. my friend gus once told me this thing: sometimes in life, it's like we've got to get somewhere that's 45 minutes away, but we only have 15 minutes. and so someone says to us "well then i guess you can't do that," and we're like "but it's Very Important." there are a lot of important things to do, and we probably can't do all of them. and that's okay. because it is what Is.
3) i was just reading another substack earlier today, alex dobrenko's "Both Are True" which i like a Lot. he was talking about living across the country from his parents and feeling regret, but also imagining that if he moved to where they are that he would feel OTHER regret. (Both Are True.) and that made me think that that's, at least in some way, Good News. because if changing your life would lead to regret, then that means you love your life at least in that way.
4) so, this is all to say, there are numerous possibilities for how the holiday season can go. how life can go. how time can go. we might love to fill it with people we love. we might love to fill it with space and time for ourselves. we might like some mythical "perfect" combination thereof. whatever ratio we pick, we won't get to do the other one. or any of infinite other ones. we get the one, i think.
5) so i guess my answer to the question specifically is maybe to make a plan that includes spending time with all the people you love and want to spend time with including yourself. schedule your own self-time into it if you want and can. i'm grateful that i have this time right now, as i sit on my girlfriend's little* brother's bed in her mom's basement in kansas city where we flew for the week to see the family but they're in school right now so it's the perfect oasis of Me-Time within the greater family Us-Time. so, thank you for asking the question at the perfect time that i had to answer it. answering it certainly helped ME. hopefully you, too.
and that's my list of answer. thank you again!
love,
myq
* her "little" brother is 14 years old and 6 feet tall.
My latest insight on this front is to quit limiting myself with time bound expectations. If someone wants to get together I’m trying to empower myself to feel confident suggesting a date months away. I want to see them but maybe I can see them in the future so I have space for myself now. It’s been a really liberating practice!
I had a wonderful flashback/daydream while reading this about The Days Before COVID and I miss pre-pandemic travel.
My father’s birthday is the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so this year I will be flying (solo) to visit. My mom already has Christmas/NYE/70th birthday/Thanksgiving plans in the works and all I want to do is walk on the beach and have a beer with my dad.
I hope that this trip is less being a guest in someone’s house for a week and more of the other thing.
I’m not sure what spending time without spending all of myself looks like... this is a problem.
(I’m also worried about the cat in this week’s opening image... isn’t it hot up there on the stove? Don’t fall into the oven! Also, I CAN’T WAIT FOR PIE.)
I love these newsletters. Every time I see ‘A Note For You, If You Are Having a Bad Day’ I feel like I need to take some time with it. Maybe fix a cup of hot tea, relax for a bit. I need it, even if it’s not a particularly bad day.
dear sophie,
i love this all. some specific things i love include the following:
-- middle seat unoccupied = dream come true (ABSOLUTELY!)
-- "a lack of excess" (!!!) <-- this is a beautiful phrase
-- "conversationally sated" <-- this one, too!
-- "is it the bare trees or the conflagration of cookies"
-- "trick us into thinking the winter is the loudest, most excessive, most social season of all" / "On paper, this is a lot of fun." (THIS IS ASTUTE!)
-- "someone’s father’s company’s merger" <-- please write this holiday movie
-- "the very nature of nature" <-- POETRY
-- "there is space between zero and a hundred." (well put! there's like maybe 99 spaces! or an infinite spectrum! love it!)
-- "There is December 4." !!! (THERE IS! MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU! I MEAN, DEC THE 4TH BE WITH YOU! I MEAN, DEC4 THE HALLS!)
-- T is for Toddler! Terrific! Thank you!
love,
myq
dear sophie,
here is a response to your question "What are your suggestions for spending time without spending all of yourself?":
1) do you like making lists? i do. if you do, you could make a list (or a number of lists, and then you could have a list of lists!) of things that you "Have" to do, things that you Want to do, things that you Get to do, things that Other people want you to do, or whatever assorted lists make sense. and i encourage you to REALLY think about the meaning of "have to" vs "get to" and "want to" and such.
2) my friend gus once told me this parable. or maybe it's not a parable. maybe it's just a thing. yeah. a thing. my friend gus once told me this thing: sometimes in life, it's like we've got to get somewhere that's 45 minutes away, but we only have 15 minutes. and so someone says to us "well then i guess you can't do that," and we're like "but it's Very Important." there are a lot of important things to do, and we probably can't do all of them. and that's okay. because it is what Is.
3) i was just reading another substack earlier today, alex dobrenko's "Both Are True" which i like a Lot. he was talking about living across the country from his parents and feeling regret, but also imagining that if he moved to where they are that he would feel OTHER regret. (Both Are True.) and that made me think that that's, at least in some way, Good News. because if changing your life would lead to regret, then that means you love your life at least in that way.
4) so, this is all to say, there are numerous possibilities for how the holiday season can go. how life can go. how time can go. we might love to fill it with people we love. we might love to fill it with space and time for ourselves. we might like some mythical "perfect" combination thereof. whatever ratio we pick, we won't get to do the other one. or any of infinite other ones. we get the one, i think.
5) so i guess my answer to the question specifically is maybe to make a plan that includes spending time with all the people you love and want to spend time with including yourself. schedule your own self-time into it if you want and can. i'm grateful that i have this time right now, as i sit on my girlfriend's little* brother's bed in her mom's basement in kansas city where we flew for the week to see the family but they're in school right now so it's the perfect oasis of Me-Time within the greater family Us-Time. so, thank you for asking the question at the perfect time that i had to answer it. answering it certainly helped ME. hopefully you, too.
and that's my list of answer. thank you again!
love,
myq
* her "little" brother is 14 years old and 6 feet tall.
My latest insight on this front is to quit limiting myself with time bound expectations. If someone wants to get together I’m trying to empower myself to feel confident suggesting a date months away. I want to see them but maybe I can see them in the future so I have space for myself now. It’s been a really liberating practice!
I loved all of this. Yes. Thank you
I had a wonderful flashback/daydream while reading this about The Days Before COVID and I miss pre-pandemic travel.
My father’s birthday is the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so this year I will be flying (solo) to visit. My mom already has Christmas/NYE/70th birthday/Thanksgiving plans in the works and all I want to do is walk on the beach and have a beer with my dad.
I hope that this trip is less being a guest in someone’s house for a week and more of the other thing.
I’m not sure what spending time without spending all of myself looks like... this is a problem.
(I’m also worried about the cat in this week’s opening image... isn’t it hot up there on the stove? Don’t fall into the oven! Also, I CAN’T WAIT FOR PIE.)
Thank you again for a wonderful newsletter!
I love these newsletters. Every time I see ‘A Note For You, If You Are Having a Bad Day’ I feel like I need to take some time with it. Maybe fix a cup of hot tea, relax for a bit. I need it, even if it’s not a particularly bad day.