Oh Sophie, I really needed to read this today. I am having a little cry right now after reading it. I'm also listening to the recording and the waves, wind, birds, and bugs are all welcome guests in my office with me. Thank you for your excellent words.
I live alone so I do everything in the deck. Well I don't do any of the kid things or if there are cat things, because I have neither. I definitely do the dog things, unless the cards are dedicated to "sprain your shoulder wrastlin' your 90 lb dog" because my dog is small. So I suppose I do the "play carefully with your 15 lb dog."
Anyway, it's felt like a lot lately. Maybe because this summer I overcommitted to making a magical art experience while also doing more work than I have ever really had to do at my day job. So all the things I usually do like, cook, eat vegetables regularly, go to sleep before 2 am, tidy, get some sort of exercise,...etc. all fell away. I've had about two weeks since all the big work and art things wrapped up and I'm finally getting back into doing some of the regularly scheduled life maintenance.
I've had this big sense of dread about letting go of the maintenance things and then picking them back up. It's as though inside me there's a void that I shove everything into and hope it gets sucked out into space. What I don't realize is that the void is more like a tornado, yes it has vacuum powers, but it also isn't particularly discriminating about what it sucks up when I'm not looking. And I think, it sucked up that feeling of "ahhhh I'm home" from me. So this week I'm trying very hard to find that feeling again.
I think about you a lot as a "HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!" person. I have a letter to you in my Drive titled "Letter to Rainbow" that has been sitting there for so long... and it reminds me of all the life you seem to always be living. Thank YOU for leaving the comment that I needed to read.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are doing so many things. You will never do all the things, and this is OK. How silly that we ever expect this of ourselves.
I don't have the spoons to reply to this newsletter properly but:
- I really appreciate this, and I've emailed this to my partner so we can talk about it
- the guilt from not doing/being able to do chores at all/enough/properly is SO MUCH and it can get very overwhelming
- I would recommend KC Davis' how to keep house while drowning - it's a really good book and basically says "this is tough and you should be kind to yourself" alongside some really nice and actionable solutions for things
- my partner and I recently started paying someone to come to our house once a fortnight and clean for two hours, and it's so so good. Would 100% recommend if it's feasible for folk, and it was much cheaper than I expected! And I now have a friend who I get to talk to when she comes round twice a month
Thank you for taking some spoons to leave a comment! It meant something to me. I did read "How to Keep House While Drowning" when you initially recommended it, so thank you for dropping that in the comments again. I asked for a housecleaning for my birthday this year and received it from two people. It was amazing. The best gift ever. It's not financially realistic for me, but it is really a good gift for when it's possible. I'm so glad that you're giving this to yourself! I think it is absolutely worth it.
What a joy to get in my overwhelming inbox today. I am a solo human, living in a communal house. And while we have so many systems and practices for the group which work, I am always (and should be) responsible for my own internal mess. My computer files being cleared/organized. The continual, constant, repetitive wiping down of my desk so I don't sit in dust all day in/out as I work from home. The opening and closing of windows. The changing of the air filters. The putting away of the stuff. The taking out of the stuff. The going through and removing/clearing items I no longer use. And all alone. Sometimes it's less that the task has to be done and more that nobody is on my team. Nobody but me to do it with or next to or have them look at it when they come home to not just say "wow, great job" but also "wow, I feel loved because you did this to make a nicer space for me and us." I have to do all that for myself. All that loving and caring and thanking. And sometimes I'm just too tired. Too tired to do the thing. Too tired to be proud and grateful to myself that we've done the thing. Especially when there are people to connect with (away from my me tasks) and work to be done (totally aside from my work tasks).
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For humanizing all of us. Constantly.
This comment is so, so interesting because you are in a communal house! I hadn't thought about the many different facets of that. All the individual things you have to take care of while also having to be a collective body as well. I wish I could tell you what an amazing job you are doing. I am very proud of you. :)
I can't tell you how much I LOVE the Fair Play deck, Sophie. I first heard about it on a personal finance podcast sometime last year, then borrowed the Fair Play book from the library, and THEN I bought the cards. Having a physical representation of the invisible tasks I handle more often than not was so so much more meaningful than just talking about them as I have in the past with my husband. It is so lovely you've found them helpful as well!
Oh wow! How was the book? I'm so glad to hear this journey. I imagine that using them in this way is incredibly liberating and validating as well. Thank you for sharing!
thank you for sharing as always, and thank you for asking "What’s making you feel pleased?"
the thing that has made me feel the most pleased the most recently is listening to the first several chapters of jo firestone's new book "murder on sex island" which have been released as a podcast.
another thing that has made me feel pleased is i did a Don't Tell comedy show the other night in pittsburgh and i just love Don't Tell Comedy. have you been to any? they're in a lot of cities and they do a great job!
thank you for asking! thank you for sharing! love to all!
I love seeing Jo Firestone's book referenced out in the wild, because we talk about it constantly in my home. I have got to listen to it. That is the way to get into it! I haven't been to Don't Tell Comedy, but I will need to add it to the list. Love back to you!
I live alone right now, and there are many aspects of it that I enjoy, but one that I don’t is that it’s alllllllll just me. I get my whole deck. And this week I got my car registered and put the new plates on and got it inspected and somehow also had to clean and feed myself and argue with MYSELF about how much I really need the AC unit on and it’s just a lot. So this felt really darn validating: it IS a lot! Thanks for your newsletter, Sophie!
Oh, Miriam, that IS a lot! I am so impressed you did so, so many things. I looked at that list and just like, crawled inside myself because car things make me want to die? IDK... they just make me curl right up inside myself. You're incredible.
It's a solid explanatory read that's maybe a bit longer than necessary. But overall, the author gives great context for why she made the cards—and the book helps normalize the frustration that some partners feel from unbalanced housework/emotional labor.
Oh Sophie, I really needed to read this today. I am having a little cry right now after reading it. I'm also listening to the recording and the waves, wind, birds, and bugs are all welcome guests in my office with me. Thank you for your excellent words.
I live alone so I do everything in the deck. Well I don't do any of the kid things or if there are cat things, because I have neither. I definitely do the dog things, unless the cards are dedicated to "sprain your shoulder wrastlin' your 90 lb dog" because my dog is small. So I suppose I do the "play carefully with your 15 lb dog."
Anyway, it's felt like a lot lately. Maybe because this summer I overcommitted to making a magical art experience while also doing more work than I have ever really had to do at my day job. So all the things I usually do like, cook, eat vegetables regularly, go to sleep before 2 am, tidy, get some sort of exercise,...etc. all fell away. I've had about two weeks since all the big work and art things wrapped up and I'm finally getting back into doing some of the regularly scheduled life maintenance.
I've had this big sense of dread about letting go of the maintenance things and then picking them back up. It's as though inside me there's a void that I shove everything into and hope it gets sucked out into space. What I don't realize is that the void is more like a tornado, yes it has vacuum powers, but it also isn't particularly discriminating about what it sucks up when I'm not looking. And I think, it sucked up that feeling of "ahhhh I'm home" from me. So this week I'm trying very hard to find that feeling again.
I Hope you get that feeling back soon and that the routines feel good again!!
Thank you for this generous comment.
I think about you a lot as a "HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!" person. I have a letter to you in my Drive titled "Letter to Rainbow" that has been sitting there for so long... and it reminds me of all the life you seem to always be living. Thank YOU for leaving the comment that I needed to read.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are doing so many things. You will never do all the things, and this is OK. How silly that we ever expect this of ourselves.
I don't have the spoons to reply to this newsletter properly but:
- I really appreciate this, and I've emailed this to my partner so we can talk about it
- the guilt from not doing/being able to do chores at all/enough/properly is SO MUCH and it can get very overwhelming
- I would recommend KC Davis' how to keep house while drowning - it's a really good book and basically says "this is tough and you should be kind to yourself" alongside some really nice and actionable solutions for things
- my partner and I recently started paying someone to come to our house once a fortnight and clean for two hours, and it's so so good. Would 100% recommend if it's feasible for folk, and it was much cheaper than I expected! And I now have a friend who I get to talk to when she comes round twice a month
Thank you for taking some spoons to leave a comment! It meant something to me. I did read "How to Keep House While Drowning" when you initially recommended it, so thank you for dropping that in the comments again. I asked for a housecleaning for my birthday this year and received it from two people. It was amazing. The best gift ever. It's not financially realistic for me, but it is really a good gift for when it's possible. I'm so glad that you're giving this to yourself! I think it is absolutely worth it.
What a joy to get in my overwhelming inbox today. I am a solo human, living in a communal house. And while we have so many systems and practices for the group which work, I am always (and should be) responsible for my own internal mess. My computer files being cleared/organized. The continual, constant, repetitive wiping down of my desk so I don't sit in dust all day in/out as I work from home. The opening and closing of windows. The changing of the air filters. The putting away of the stuff. The taking out of the stuff. The going through and removing/clearing items I no longer use. And all alone. Sometimes it's less that the task has to be done and more that nobody is on my team. Nobody but me to do it with or next to or have them look at it when they come home to not just say "wow, great job" but also "wow, I feel loved because you did this to make a nicer space for me and us." I have to do all that for myself. All that loving and caring and thanking. And sometimes I'm just too tired. Too tired to do the thing. Too tired to be proud and grateful to myself that we've done the thing. Especially when there are people to connect with (away from my me tasks) and work to be done (totally aside from my work tasks).
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For humanizing all of us. Constantly.
This comment is so, so interesting because you are in a communal house! I hadn't thought about the many different facets of that. All the individual things you have to take care of while also having to be a collective body as well. I wish I could tell you what an amazing job you are doing. I am very proud of you. :)
Thank you back.
I can't tell you how much I LOVE the Fair Play deck, Sophie. I first heard about it on a personal finance podcast sometime last year, then borrowed the Fair Play book from the library, and THEN I bought the cards. Having a physical representation of the invisible tasks I handle more often than not was so so much more meaningful than just talking about them as I have in the past with my husband. It is so lovely you've found them helpful as well!
Oh wow! How was the book? I'm so glad to hear this journey. I imagine that using them in this way is incredibly liberating and validating as well. Thank you for sharing!
dear sophie and everyone,
thank you for sharing as always, and thank you for asking "What’s making you feel pleased?"
the thing that has made me feel the most pleased the most recently is listening to the first several chapters of jo firestone's new book "murder on sex island" which have been released as a podcast.
another thing that has made me feel pleased is i did a Don't Tell comedy show the other night in pittsburgh and i just love Don't Tell Comedy. have you been to any? they're in a lot of cities and they do a great job!
thank you for asking! thank you for sharing! love to all!
love,
myq
PS i'm glad you love yellow flowers so much!
I love seeing Jo Firestone's book referenced out in the wild, because we talk about it constantly in my home. I have got to listen to it. That is the way to get into it! I haven't been to Don't Tell Comedy, but I will need to add it to the list. Love back to you!
thank you friend!
i am excited for you (and everyone) to listen to Jo's book!
for anyone reading this right now, listen to me and stop reading and go listen to Jo!
I live alone right now, and there are many aspects of it that I enjoy, but one that I don’t is that it’s alllllllll just me. I get my whole deck. And this week I got my car registered and put the new plates on and got it inspected and somehow also had to clean and feed myself and argue with MYSELF about how much I really need the AC unit on and it’s just a lot. So this felt really darn validating: it IS a lot! Thanks for your newsletter, Sophie!
Oh, Miriam, that IS a lot! I am so impressed you did so, so many things. I looked at that list and just like, crawled inside myself because car things make me want to die? IDK... they just make me curl right up inside myself. You're incredible.
It's a solid explanatory read that's maybe a bit longer than necessary. But overall, the author gives great context for why she made the cards—and the book helps normalize the frustration that some partners feel from unbalanced housework/emotional labor.