The Season of Fraught Gathering

PLUS: How to Host, AND How to Make A Pie

A Note For You, If You’re Having A Bad Day

My Dear Friend,

In a week, you might start preparing to go to dinner.

We’ve entered the Season of Fraught Gathering. In the United States, this begins with Thanksgiving — a holiday to commemorate a basically fictionalized meal marking the start of one of the vastest genocides in human history. Despite efforts to rebrand it, Thanksgiving endures, and we are all forced to celebrate it. “Celebrating it” means deciding on someone’s house to go to, where you will have to wear loose pants because you will definitely eat “too many rolls,” and maybe bringing something with you — a host’s gift or a bottle of wine or a homemade pie — to show that you are a Good and Caring Person. No matter how carefully you play this game, someone will be let down, someone will feel slighted, and someone will be overwhelmed. The gathering is fraught. And then the next day, we all shop, preparing for the next fraught gathering(s), which will take place throughout December.

Non-Americans are not exempt from the season. British people have Guy Fawkes Night and Harvest Festivals. Elsewhere, there’s Diwali and Dia de los Muertos and Chuseok. All require gathering, and no Big Holiday can be without fraughtness.

I’m familiar with the mind games that one must play with oneself in order to prepare for a big celebration. “Maybe this year it will be fun; even relaxing!” “Anything’s better than work.” “If I make the right pie, I’ll have a good time.” “Steve’s parents will understand that of course we have to spend this year’s holidays with my parents. We can all be civilized about this.” You have to trick yourself so that you’ll show up for the gathering. Then you return to work and you are confused as to why you are still so tired; this wasn’t restful at all; you feel worse than you did before the holiday; you needed more time.

Well, look: I don’t think it necessarily has to be this way. The best thing you can bring with you to a holiday gathering is some clear boundaries — you have been working really hard, life under capitalism is especially impossible in winter, and you actually do deserve to rest, as complicated as that might feel when it’s culturally not at all allowed.

Last year, I wrote these “allowances” for big holiday gatherings, and they caused a lot of controversy in the comments. PEOPLE ARE VERY ATTACHED TO FRAUGHT GATHERINGS STAYING EXACTLY THE WAY THEY ARE. That’s fine. But I also thought I’d take this opportunity to expand upon these ideas, in case you are thinking, “Hey; maybe I can let go of some of this complicated stuff and create a little more ease for myself. Maybe that will actually be nice for everyone.”

Let’s dive in.

I’m not saying you HAVE to bring nothing — but you can! As a person who hosts, I can say with total confidence that what I want people to bring to my house for dinner more than anything is themselves and their appetites.

If you’re inviting people to dinner because you need them to bring something and celebrate you as a host, don’t host a dinner. If you don’t make any food, and no one brings any food, then you get to order pizza and a bunch of people you love will still be there. You can split the tab.

Too often, people decide last minute not to come to a gathering because they fear that the version of themselves that has the capacity to show up will not be enough. Gathering is about surrounding your living, human body with the other living, human bodies that make this whole Life thing WORTH LIVING. Loving someone means you love all versions of them — even versions that didn’t manage to bring a salad; and even versions that have on sweat pants. WE ARE ALL NAKED UNDER OUR CLOTHES, YOU GUYS. ALL OF US.

One reason to love gathering for dinner is that you have the opportunity to be present with your food and really enjoy it. Your body is very good at knowing what it wants to eat; let it eat!

It’s even acceptable to change the subject without being explicit about your boundary! All you need to do is know that you have one. You are feeling uneasy about your decision not to have kids? You get uncomfortable when your uncle goes on and on about his divorce? You notice that your friend Sonya is always comparing and competing with you? Behold: THE HARD PIVOT.

Sonya: When I was just starting out, I was also stressed at my job all the time. Now I find that I’m great at self-care. What’s your self-care routine?

You: You mentioning self-care reminds me that DID YOU KNOW GWYNETH PALTROW PUT A $15,000 VIBRATOR IN HER GOOP GIFT GUIDE?

Sonya: Her what?

You: I know. That is a lot for a vibrator. Let’s Google it together.

Sonya: Oh! Sure! OK!

(I learned about this from my therapist, and I was skeptical that it could possibly work, but it works really well. People are all just looking for someone to do some of the conversational work for them; they don’t really need to talk about Martha Spenser’s health problems.)

Here’s a truth: someone is going to ask you what’s going on with you these days. You might choose have an answer locked and loaded, and you should feel free to keep it light.

Recently, I interviewed a woman who was proud of her own work. I loved her for it. She talked about her work as though she was talking about the work of someone she really admired. This is rare for women; we are not supposed to think of ourselves as complete, and we are not supposed to believe that we have anything to do with our own success. I could imagine this woman’s self esteem as being off-putting to someone — but that feels like that person’s problem. Why shouldn’t you be proud? You’re doing a good enough job. Just surviving in this world is a lot of work.

The people I know who enjoy social gathering the most are often sort of quiet people. They are content to sit on a couch and listen to things as they happen. They don’t feel pressured to entertain everyone (or anyone!); they show up and listen, and sometimes speak, but mostly listen. Imagine what it would be like if you were able to go to a gathering and truly relax; if you could leave not exhausted or energized but rested.

Just keep in mind that if you tell people you’re going for a walk, they might want to come with you. If you tell them you want to be alone, they might say, “What’s wrong?” If you tell them you have to make a phone call, they might let you go and keep eating brie.

I am WELL KNOWN in my friend group for holding fierce to an ending. If the invitation says the party is ending at 8 p.m., I will make it end exactly at 8. The clock says “8,” and I say, “OK! It is 8:00! That means that you can go anywhere you want, except for here. You can’t stay here. You have to now leave. Because the party has ended.” PEOPLE TELL ME THEY APPRECIATE THIS. Maybe they’re lying! I don’t really care! I like predictable endings; I like knowing when it’s time to leave; I like knowing what to expect. I cannot be alone in this.

You don’t need an excuse! You can just say, “Thank you for this party! I’m leaving!” And if someone says, “Awwww, stay longer!” You can say, “I have had a really great time and I am excited to leave at exactly the right moment. Goodbye!”

Love,

Sophie

How To… Host

I like hosting, and I know the following things to be true about it, which I heartily pass on to you, in case you choose to take up hosting this year:

• Clean the bathroom, let the kitchen be messy. People expect a messy kitchen, but they’re very contemplative and observant when they’re alone in the bathroom.

• Prep as much as you can in the days leading up to the event. Chop all the vegetables, make whole pies, assemble an entire dish and then put it in the freezer so it comes out ready to be popped in the oven. Do what you can to enjoy the food preparation every day. What a pure joy it is to slice ginger when you don’t have to rush about it.

• Nonalcoholic beverages are more important to have than alcoholic ones. Never be without sparkle water.

• Some people are allergic to cats. Ask; prepare accordingly.

• Have grapes. They’re beautiful and require no preparation and every living human wants to snack on them. The grapes are always gone at the end of the night. People just take a clump and bring them to their conversation, feeling virtuous and sated.

• A grazing board is not all that much work. You probably already have plenty of grazing board things hanging out in your pantry. Start with those; you shouldn’t have to always buy all new stuff for a party; use the party as an excuse for getting rid of some of your old stuff. Cut up dried fruit; smash chocolate bars; scatter crackers across a cutting board. That’s enough right there. Everything is elevated by a little dish. (A little dish of chocolate chips and marshmallows? Chic!)

• Have disposable Tupperware so you can send people home with leftovers. Costco sells a nice variety of take-home containers.

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How To… Bake A Pie

I feel strongly that anyone can and should bake a pie. The idea that a pie is a difficult thing propels me onto a soapbox where I want to scream, “WE MUST NOT BE SO PRECIOUS WITH OUR DESSERTS!”

I’m using the word “butter” below, but I exclusively use vegan butter and prefer it. If you want to use half vegan butter and half shortening, great. Half vegan butter half coconut oil is good too.

• A pie crust is just 2.5 cups of flour + 1 cup butter + 1/2 cup ice water. Some people add salt (because they don’t use salted butter, which I think is ridiculous), and some people add a teaspoon or two of sugar, which does improve things.

• Put the flour and salt in a bowl. Cut the butter into cubes, and put that in the bowl. Now use your fingers to smoosh the butter cubes so they’re fat smears. You don’t want to over-combine!

• Now add your ice water, and gently combine everything. YOU WANT BIG GIANT HUGE CHUNKS OF UN-MIXED-IN-THERE BUTTER. That’s the most important thing.

• Chill this for at least an hour. BUT ALSO: if you don’t, who cares? It works fine!

• You can roll your crust between two pieces of parchment paper to prevent sticking. Or, you can use a little flour to prevent the sticking. Roll the pie crust out and don’t worry too much about it.

• If you’re blind baking or parbaking (meaning, you pre-bake the crust at least some amount), you will want pie weights, and you have to stick the crust all over with a fork, too.

• Did you know you can deep fry extra pie dough and put cinnamon sugar on it?

• Or just use a pre-made crust! There’s no shame in this!

• Now you get to fill your pie, which is the most fun and easiest part. We recently learned about pre-cooking your apple pie filling in a pan, but that’s unnecessary. I kind of think you don’t even need very much sugar when you’re making a fruit pie.

• Add a good amount of corn starch or tapioca flour mixed with the juice of one lemon to a pie that is likely to be runny.

• If you’re thinking, “SOPHIE, this is NOT ENOUGH MEASURING!” I’m here to tell you that IT REALLY DOESN’T NEED TO BE MEASURED! You’re just putting sugar and fruit into a pastry. That is going to taste good no matter what you do.

• You’re supposed to bake the pie at a really hot temperature (450 degrees F) for the first 20 minutes. That’s because you want the cold butter to melt really fast and laminate (or flake up) the crust. Then you turn the heat down (to 350 degrees) for the last 35 to 45 minutes, because your butter is already melted and you don’t want the crust to burn.

• Use cookie cutters on your pie dough and put them all over the top of your pie.

• I don’t give two figs about an egg wash. I like better brushing the crust with milk and then putting coarse sugar on top.

• I’ve been so laissez faire here. You’re right: the pie might not turn out. And guess what? IT WILL STILL TASTE GREAT! Mixing broken, failed pie into a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream is a whole other dessert, and some might argue it’s even better?!

Housekeeping

The calendars are re-formatted and printed! I didn’t make that many, because they’re such a pain to make, but I did make enough for all the pre-orders, plus maybe 20 more.

I’m also going to be selling these books, which are kind of like journals? But more? And better?

They include prompts, stickers, found objects, an original drawing and a totally unique hand-written note. Each one is totally different from each other one. I spent a lot of time making each of them!

You can buy them now, ahead of their “official launch” on Black Friday. Once they’re gone, they’re gone — I’m not interested in making more of these; they have nearly killed me.

• I’m also coming up with a little gift pack to send in the mail that I’m going to attach to a Gift Subscription to this newsletter. Be on the lookout for that next week.

IN THE MEANTIME! All four bird-drawing classes are now available to paid subscribers. If you want access to those, consider joining the paid tier of this newsletter! You’ll get other things, too — and you should know (I hope you already do!) that paid subscriptions allow me to keep doing this work; so if this newsletter means something to you, consider upping your subscription anyway.

Loose Thoughts

• I’m just not watching enough television. I think television is a vice, and I have gone overboard with it in periods of my life, but having a show that I really love is something I find kind of grounding? I can feel myself really missing television.

• Like, how can I have anything interesting to write if I’m not watching sufficient television?

• I forgot to say this: good luck out there, bravely facing all that breaks your heart.

• Is anyone out there a stan for a different type of Oreo than regular? I feel like there are famously so many flavors of them, but I don’t know anyone who buys them because THEY LIKE THEM. You buy them as a novelty gift. What are the exceptions?

• T loves her new daycare. We had a lantern walk there the other night, and they “welcomed in the darker days to come” by focusing on “the light within.” The Daycare: “The children very much understand the spirit of the event.”