Does T recognize you when you enter her room and she is crying/ screaming? If she does not, could be night terrors. They tend to occur in clusters (of time) and the child can’t be soothed until they “wake up.” If this is off the mark, I also found that night waking was worse before big milestone jumps. There is a lot of processing going on in the toddler brain!!
I actively avoided finding out my type on any scale. I always want to argue with the result. I want to be the best one. lol. Is there a type for that?
Sophie, this was such a wise and observant meditation of help. Whew. It's a lot to navigate! All the feelings and expectations baked into helping, not asking, asking, saying yes, saying no. I remember seeing this series on Instagram and thinking that once again you nailed something in the modern ether. You are a very kind 2. I am an 8, or at least, some of the characteristics strike me as uncomfortably familiar, which I think is when you know something fits.
Wow, so much to love and relate to in this one. A few things:
1. I had a nice small world moment earlier this week with your instagram post about help that you wrote about here. A new friend I made recently (part of the ever-evolving polycule I monogamously orbit) posted basically every slide of that post to their instagram story, and I got to message them saying, "oh hi! that's my friend Sophie!" They recently started following you and love your work!
2. I listened to a podcast episode earlier this week that had some very useful things to say about how to help/support people experiencing grief. It was very timely because a friend of mine (also part of the polycule, lol) is having a heavy grief week - today is the anniversary of her dad's death. I cooked dinner for her last night, and I had all this fresh podcast advice about how so many people try to minimize other people's grief or rationalize it away, and really what people need is for someone to allow it and sit with them in it, to just let the grief be and accept it as it is, to ask questions and allow them to talk about the person they miss, etc. I cooked her dinner and refused to let her help and asked her a few gentle questions that allowed her to decide how much she wanted to talk about it. I think it all worked and I'm grateful both for the past grief that has allowed me to relate and to the podcast reminder of how to sit in the grief with someone. I thought I had no idea which podcast it was because I listened to a lot but I took a quick look at my app and figured out it was A Bit of Optimism (Simon Sinek's podcast).
3. I identify very strongly as an Enneagram 7. I mostly think that most of the personality tests and also horoscopes are mostly oversimplified or so vague that it is easy enough for people to see themselves in anything, but the Enneagram feels genuinely a lot more meaningful/useful. I once heard that you can tell which type is yours because it is the one that calls you out for everything that is wrong with you - you read through it with the horror of recognition, all of your flaws laid bare and not that unique after all if there are only 9 types. In any case, it really helped me understand some patterns in myself and figure out when they are helpful and when they are not.
4. Wow, that thing about people feeling unique/alone in feeling in-the-middle really hits home right now. I feel like everyone I know either has children or decided a long time ago that they didn't want them, and I am the only one grappling with my indecision/ambivalence, facing down 40 having never accepted the losses on either side by never choosing to walk through either door, wondering what would be different in my life if I accepted the losses and moved forward, grieving the life I'll never have. It's a very strange sort of grief because I'm well aware I would be happy with either choice - I'm grieving the fact that I can't live all the lives at once. But I remain in the middle when everyone around me appears resolved/certain and may misinterpret my grief as meaning I'm on the wrong side of the fence when I simply wish there were no fence.
Alright, that's enough... I'm deeply curious about everything you're working on for this book and need to scheme up a trip to Chicago to discuss further, enjoy the mutual joy of reconnecting, and do the NYT Sunday crossword.
Amanda Palmer also has a book about help. I hated it. I had read it hoping for nonmonogamous themes, there was one sentence. I also felt like she didn't address her privileged status as she described her method/experiences. I think reading it would bring up a lot of talking points for you, starting conversations 💚
Am I the only one who was reading many of the examples and thinking wow, if the division of labour both physical and mental between couples were better, we, as women, would not have to feel overwhelmed with our never ending to do lists? I know that I am assuming here that most of the examples are for coupled people. I think this is why I would never ask for a friend to help me with dishes because all my friends are exhausted too and have their own dishes to do/cars to clean out, mud rooms to sweep etc. If someone is sick/had surgery/ a new baby etc. I am all for asking and offering to do the above but why do we not expect the same of men?????
This really resonated with me as another 2! Thank you for writing this!
My marriage ended a year ago and I suddenly had to lean into my community like never before. With my sister, her husband, and some of my friends, I have a Pact.
1) Say how you really feel, and trust that the other person will do the same.
2) Say it, even if it's hard.
3) Ask for help and trust the other person's answer, and know that any answer is okay.
It's still hard, but it's helpful when people invoke the Pact! ("I'm sorry for ask--" "Nope! Remember the Pact!")
What a great read, especially about help. That is a tough one for me. I am also categorized as a “two” and the people pleasing can get exhausting and completely out of hand. This helped me to remember to keep working on myself going forward to find the right balance and break old stereotypical behavior. Thank you!
I have been thinking about this since your other Instagram post with similar theme (build relationships where you are explicit about 2 things).
Ordered but otherwise unorganized thoughts: (1) There had been someone in my life who told me she wants me to take more of what I want and to ask for more help. I shared that post with her, saying it reminded me of her, and she said all of her friendships work that way. (I only kind of believe. ) (2) I am super bad at doing this, but also my best friend who is even worse. I shared the post back then with her for us to discuss. I think we may be making progress? But it's very hard. (3) As a second gen Asian growing up in the US, I have learned to be more direct over time, but asking for help and saying no to to help is super not Asian. It seems like these things would be much harder for individuals to navigate where many cultures intersect. (4) Finally, this all reminds me of the ask culture vs guess culture concept. I'm curious about whether you have opinions about that. https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421
Thank you for sharing about ask culture and guess culture! It's such a clear description (new to me) and gives me new insight on some patterns that have shaped my relationships 💚
Does T recognize you when you enter her room and she is crying/ screaming? If she does not, could be night terrors. They tend to occur in clusters (of time) and the child can’t be soothed until they “wake up.” If this is off the mark, I also found that night waking was worse before big milestone jumps. There is a lot of processing going on in the toddler brain!!
I actively avoided finding out my type on any scale. I always want to argue with the result. I want to be the best one. lol. Is there a type for that?
Joann, I'm not sure about enneagram but under the 4 Tendencies (by Gretchen Rubin
https://gretchenrubin.com/four-tendencies/) you sound like a classic Rebel!
Sophie, this was such a wise and observant meditation of help. Whew. It's a lot to navigate! All the feelings and expectations baked into helping, not asking, asking, saying yes, saying no. I remember seeing this series on Instagram and thinking that once again you nailed something in the modern ether. You are a very kind 2. I am an 8, or at least, some of the characteristics strike me as uncomfortably familiar, which I think is when you know something fits.
Profound last sentence
Hi Sophie, here's a conversation about help and a realization that "being open to help is one of the most generous things you can do"
https://www.audacy.com/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-d7b39/episodes/270-the-unexpected-way-amanda-built-community-1ac5a
And the transcript:
https://momastery.com/blog/we-can-do-hard-things-ep-270/
Wow, so much to love and relate to in this one. A few things:
1. I had a nice small world moment earlier this week with your instagram post about help that you wrote about here. A new friend I made recently (part of the ever-evolving polycule I monogamously orbit) posted basically every slide of that post to their instagram story, and I got to message them saying, "oh hi! that's my friend Sophie!" They recently started following you and love your work!
2. I listened to a podcast episode earlier this week that had some very useful things to say about how to help/support people experiencing grief. It was very timely because a friend of mine (also part of the polycule, lol) is having a heavy grief week - today is the anniversary of her dad's death. I cooked dinner for her last night, and I had all this fresh podcast advice about how so many people try to minimize other people's grief or rationalize it away, and really what people need is for someone to allow it and sit with them in it, to just let the grief be and accept it as it is, to ask questions and allow them to talk about the person they miss, etc. I cooked her dinner and refused to let her help and asked her a few gentle questions that allowed her to decide how much she wanted to talk about it. I think it all worked and I'm grateful both for the past grief that has allowed me to relate and to the podcast reminder of how to sit in the grief with someone. I thought I had no idea which podcast it was because I listened to a lot but I took a quick look at my app and figured out it was A Bit of Optimism (Simon Sinek's podcast).
3. I identify very strongly as an Enneagram 7. I mostly think that most of the personality tests and also horoscopes are mostly oversimplified or so vague that it is easy enough for people to see themselves in anything, but the Enneagram feels genuinely a lot more meaningful/useful. I once heard that you can tell which type is yours because it is the one that calls you out for everything that is wrong with you - you read through it with the horror of recognition, all of your flaws laid bare and not that unique after all if there are only 9 types. In any case, it really helped me understand some patterns in myself and figure out when they are helpful and when they are not.
4. Wow, that thing about people feeling unique/alone in feeling in-the-middle really hits home right now. I feel like everyone I know either has children or decided a long time ago that they didn't want them, and I am the only one grappling with my indecision/ambivalence, facing down 40 having never accepted the losses on either side by never choosing to walk through either door, wondering what would be different in my life if I accepted the losses and moved forward, grieving the life I'll never have. It's a very strange sort of grief because I'm well aware I would be happy with either choice - I'm grieving the fact that I can't live all the lives at once. But I remain in the middle when everyone around me appears resolved/certain and may misinterpret my grief as meaning I'm on the wrong side of the fence when I simply wish there were no fence.
Alright, that's enough... I'm deeply curious about everything you're working on for this book and need to scheme up a trip to Chicago to discuss further, enjoy the mutual joy of reconnecting, and do the NYT Sunday crossword.
Thank you Sophie! This feels like a lot of heavy lifting and I appreciate being able to read the conclusions to so much reflection and processing.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20980987-the-art-of-asking-or-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-let-people-hel
Amanda Palmer also has a book about help. I hated it. I had read it hoping for nonmonogamous themes, there was one sentence. I also felt like she didn't address her privileged status as she described her method/experiences. I think reading it would bring up a lot of talking points for you, starting conversations 💚
Am I the only one who was reading many of the examples and thinking wow, if the division of labour both physical and mental between couples were better, we, as women, would not have to feel overwhelmed with our never ending to do lists? I know that I am assuming here that most of the examples are for coupled people. I think this is why I would never ask for a friend to help me with dishes because all my friends are exhausted too and have their own dishes to do/cars to clean out, mud rooms to sweep etc. If someone is sick/had surgery/ a new baby etc. I am all for asking and offering to do the above but why do we not expect the same of men?????
This really resonated with me as another 2! Thank you for writing this!
My marriage ended a year ago and I suddenly had to lean into my community like never before. With my sister, her husband, and some of my friends, I have a Pact.
1) Say how you really feel, and trust that the other person will do the same.
2) Say it, even if it's hard.
3) Ask for help and trust the other person's answer, and know that any answer is okay.
It's still hard, but it's helpful when people invoke the Pact! ("I'm sorry for ask--" "Nope! Remember the Pact!")
💗”relearn a person!” Yessssss!
What a great read, especially about help. That is a tough one for me. I am also categorized as a “two” and the people pleasing can get exhausting and completely out of hand. This helped me to remember to keep working on myself going forward to find the right balance and break old stereotypical behavior. Thank you!
dear sophie,
thank you for this! i love it!
some sentences i specifically love:
“If we can get readers to this point we will have succeeded beyond anything we could hope for.”
"She wanted me to practice telling her no."
"Good luck out there, bravely facing all that breaks your heart."
thank you and much love!
myq
I have been thinking about this since your other Instagram post with similar theme (build relationships where you are explicit about 2 things).
Ordered but otherwise unorganized thoughts: (1) There had been someone in my life who told me she wants me to take more of what I want and to ask for more help. I shared that post with her, saying it reminded me of her, and she said all of her friendships work that way. (I only kind of believe. ) (2) I am super bad at doing this, but also my best friend who is even worse. I shared the post back then with her for us to discuss. I think we may be making progress? But it's very hard. (3) As a second gen Asian growing up in the US, I have learned to be more direct over time, but asking for help and saying no to to help is super not Asian. It seems like these things would be much harder for individuals to navigate where many cultures intersect. (4) Finally, this all reminds me of the ask culture vs guess culture concept. I'm curious about whether you have opinions about that. https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421
Thank you for sharing about ask culture and guess culture! It's such a clear description (new to me) and gives me new insight on some patterns that have shaped my relationships 💚
You're welcome. Yes, I remember the first time I came across it being super eye opening for me.