As someone who recently experienced a couple of painful but necessary friend breakups that I still can’t really write about, I applaud you for doing so and sharing your story. I’ll look at Mindy’s tier of friendships!
Might currently be going though my worst breakup, because I am also laid off and therefore spending my days applying to jobs while crying and being deeply triggered towards last relationship trauma in bed.
Oof friend breakups are the worst. They have a specific pain and a sense of shame about them that I think romantic breakups don’t. It feels like you yourself have been rejected, and there’s not another layer of excuse you can put over it. Indeed I have crumbled into soup over this as well.
friend breakups are so uniquely painful! my most poignant one included (not in chronological order) me desperately asking her "don't you love me?," a strange road trip that should've been fun but wasn't, a way-too-detailed roommate chore chart and a letter I wrote to that entire set of roommates trying to put my foot down about how ridiculous the chore chart was, and mostly feeling so terribly sad and confused and hurt.
thank you for sharing this with all of us, Sophie. I am curious to know how the sharing felt, given that it seems like it might have taken a lot to get to this point. regardless I am glad to be here witnessing & discussing the strangeness of being a human connected to other humans. big hugs on this very gloomy day.
This resonates deeply with me. I went through something similar, and it was the most painful experience of my life. There are no words to express the sorrow of such a loss. My heart is with you as you heal.
Sophie, you always shine as a bright light in my life, even when you don't feel shiny to yourself. That's magic, my dear; the kind that gets you thru the depths of pain commensurate with the depth of joy. I would offer an addedum to your brilliant observation: blocking the pain blocks the joy--they flow thru the same channel. Keep flowing your words--that's your magic. Thank you for keeping the channel open--that's invaluable. Much love from this appreciative reader.
This is such a beautiful piece that (not exaggerating) nearly made me cry. Friendship breakups are so heartbreaking, and I feel like there's so little discussion around them. I really appreciated what you wrote about her maybe needing to be the main character of her own story. I think that it's really true that sometimes we get stuck in the scripts of friendships that have gone on for years and they break up because people don't know how to change them. Thank you for sharing and validating those of us who've also gone through it!
My most painful break-up is an ongoing one with my youngest sister. Ongoing in that some days I think there may still be hope of it being resolved I guess. Which some days is harder to deal with than finality would be. Hope is a painful option sometimes.
Anyway. Thank you. I've been on both sides of friendship break-ups, both sucking. Life is a messy experience for those of us lucky enough to get to bravely face it.
Thank you for writing this. I experienced the same thing, only a year after my child died. I counted on my bestie for all things. I thanked her always. Then she started always being busy, or out of town (when friends told me she'd be back for days.) She ghosted. Then she wrote me a dear john letter, breaking up with me. And left on my porch every single item I'd ever loaned her or given her. From magazine articles to kitchen things to kids dress up clothes. I came home to what looked like a garage sale in my front yard -- It was epic and so painful. Before, we'd joke that we were going to be two little old ladies together rocking on a porch one day. And now I was too needy and unappreciative. I think I wrote her epic letters about four times and in the end, never sent them. Hurts less now, 20 years later, but still hurts. So proud of you for laying this out for the other side, for the one getting dumped side.
Boot is a pretty funny word, and I always laugh when I see the new Boot Barn by our Target. But slipper has always been one of my favorite funny words! Interesting they're both footwear.
Dear Sophie, thank you for sharing. Also, I am sorry for your pain and loss. I have had a few friend breakups over the years, and I went through various emotions each time and what I have thought of as "mourning the loss" of friends in almost every instance. Unexpectedly, earlier this year two friends who had abruptly ended friendships with me re-emerged and reentered my life - - one about 10 years post-break, and the other, after 13 (!) years. It had been so long that I never expected to be in touch with either of them again. I have yet to see how the next phase if these friendships will turn out, but for now, I am cautiously optimistic and grateful.
dear sophie,
this is beautiful. my condolences. thank you for sharing.
super meaningful lines include (among all of them):
"It hurts exactly as much as it is worth."
"When someone is mean to you, it’s so rarely about you. This should be more comforting than it is."
"without risking the loss, you won’t glimpse the scope of what you might gain."
thank you. love you.
love,
myq
As someone who recently experienced a couple of painful but necessary friend breakups that I still can’t really write about, I applaud you for doing so and sharing your story. I’ll look at Mindy’s tier of friendships!
Might currently be going though my worst breakup, because I am also laid off and therefore spending my days applying to jobs while crying and being deeply triggered towards last relationship trauma in bed.
Oof friend breakups are the worst. They have a specific pain and a sense of shame about them that I think romantic breakups don’t. It feels like you yourself have been rejected, and there’s not another layer of excuse you can put over it. Indeed I have crumbled into soup over this as well.
friend breakups are so uniquely painful! my most poignant one included (not in chronological order) me desperately asking her "don't you love me?," a strange road trip that should've been fun but wasn't, a way-too-detailed roommate chore chart and a letter I wrote to that entire set of roommates trying to put my foot down about how ridiculous the chore chart was, and mostly feeling so terribly sad and confused and hurt.
thank you for sharing this with all of us, Sophie. I am curious to know how the sharing felt, given that it seems like it might have taken a lot to get to this point. regardless I am glad to be here witnessing & discussing the strangeness of being a human connected to other humans. big hugs on this very gloomy day.
Love you <3
This resonates deeply with me. I went through something similar, and it was the most painful experience of my life. There are no words to express the sorrow of such a loss. My heart is with you as you heal.
i felt this on so many levels, thank you for sharing
Sophie, you always shine as a bright light in my life, even when you don't feel shiny to yourself. That's magic, my dear; the kind that gets you thru the depths of pain commensurate with the depth of joy. I would offer an addedum to your brilliant observation: blocking the pain blocks the joy--they flow thru the same channel. Keep flowing your words--that's your magic. Thank you for keeping the channel open--that's invaluable. Much love from this appreciative reader.
This is such a beautiful piece that (not exaggerating) nearly made me cry. Friendship breakups are so heartbreaking, and I feel like there's so little discussion around them. I really appreciated what you wrote about her maybe needing to be the main character of her own story. I think that it's really true that sometimes we get stuck in the scripts of friendships that have gone on for years and they break up because people don't know how to change them. Thank you for sharing and validating those of us who've also gone through it!
These kinds of breakups are totally heartbreaking, whether you initiate it or not. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Sophie.
Thank you.
This can't have been easy to write, or to share.
My most painful break-up is an ongoing one with my youngest sister. Ongoing in that some days I think there may still be hope of it being resolved I guess. Which some days is harder to deal with than finality would be. Hope is a painful option sometimes.
Anyway. Thank you. I've been on both sides of friendship break-ups, both sucking. Life is a messy experience for those of us lucky enough to get to bravely face it.
Amy.
Thank you for writing this. I experienced the same thing, only a year after my child died. I counted on my bestie for all things. I thanked her always. Then she started always being busy, or out of town (when friends told me she'd be back for days.) She ghosted. Then she wrote me a dear john letter, breaking up with me. And left on my porch every single item I'd ever loaned her or given her. From magazine articles to kitchen things to kids dress up clothes. I came home to what looked like a garage sale in my front yard -- It was epic and so painful. Before, we'd joke that we were going to be two little old ladies together rocking on a porch one day. And now I was too needy and unappreciative. I think I wrote her epic letters about four times and in the end, never sent them. Hurts less now, 20 years later, but still hurts. So proud of you for laying this out for the other side, for the one getting dumped side.
Boot is a pretty funny word, and I always laugh when I see the new Boot Barn by our Target. But slipper has always been one of my favorite funny words! Interesting they're both footwear.
Dear Sophie, thank you for sharing. Also, I am sorry for your pain and loss. I have had a few friend breakups over the years, and I went through various emotions each time and what I have thought of as "mourning the loss" of friends in almost every instance. Unexpectedly, earlier this year two friends who had abruptly ended friendships with me re-emerged and reentered my life - - one about 10 years post-break, and the other, after 13 (!) years. It had been so long that I never expected to be in touch with either of them again. I have yet to see how the next phase if these friendships will turn out, but for now, I am cautiously optimistic and grateful.