All the Self-Help Books That Didn't Help My Self

PLUS: Photos of cakes and murals

A Note for You, If You’re Having A Bad Day

Dear Friend,

Last June, I decided to read a lot of self-help books, because I felt my self needed help. I wasn’t sure what element of self needed to be helped most, but I hoped that one of these books would show me the way. I looked at top ten lists of self help books and put holds on all of them at the library. I guess that a lot of library card holders also need help with their selves, they all had long waits before I could get my hands (or ears) on them. But now, nine months later, I’ve read most of them.

I liked some better than others. I’m finishing Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman right now, and it’s great – but hasn’t yet given me any strategies that would “help” me. So far, it’s more of a science-y book that’s teaching me about how my brain works. It’s possible the self-help is going to come later, and frankly, I’m not excited about it.

Mostly, though, I soaked up a lot of ideas about why I wasn’t living my best life already; things I could change to be living a better life, if I wanted to. The books said it was a choice. Hey: you don’t have to be happier and more fulfilled if you don’t choose to. But, they insist, the path exists.

Here are some themes, which were in more than one of these books:

• You should say no to things more often. You should say no to things that are not in line with your core purpose. No is a complete sentence. A thoughtful no right now will make room for an enthusiastic yes in the future.

  

• You should have a partner. Partners are really important. Once you have one, be committed to them by choosing to spend time with them. Time spent with your partner and your children is always time well-spent.

  

• You need daily habits. Start small. Bundle the habits. Be strategic with them.

  

• One of your habits must be exercise, because happy people exercise. There are lots and lots of ways to get happier by exercising.

  

• Even if you’re not religious, find a spiritual practice. Happy people are in touch with a power greater than themselves.

• For the love of god (or, depending on how you read that last bullet point, God), get off your phone. Your phone is hurting you a LOT. Way more than you know. This is terrifying, and you ought to be scared out of your socks over it.

It’s not that any of these ideas is wrong; there’s more than a kernel of truth in each of them. And yet.

Here are some other things that are true:

• As

  Pooja Lakshmin MD
  writes in Real Self Care, boundaries have consequences. People don’t automatically respect you more for saying no; and relationships are often just as important as opportunities. Also, saying no to projects that aren’t exactly right, but do pay very well, isn’t a financial possibility for most of the people I know. (In Essentialism, Greg McKeown all-but straight-up demands that tired and weary people take a year off from work to spend time with their families in the south of France. No shit that would help, Greg! Will you fund it for me?)

• A monogamous partnership is not the right relationship configuration for everyone. It’s just the relationship configuration we have the most social-science data on because it’s the only kind of romantic relationship that’s been studied at length for more than a few decades.

• No matter how atomic your habits, life happens. The kid gets sick in the middle of the night; you don’t sleep. You have to travel; it’s emotionally exhausting, because your whole family is there, and your access to coffee is limited.

• There are good reasons why exercise feels like the thing that has to get cut out when you’re making decisions about what to prioritize. The good reasons often have to do with access to resources. These are not equal for all people at all times.

• Spirituality is a lifelong journey for most of us, and it often involves periods of confusion, questioning, and existentialism.

• Many of the relationships you care about rely on your phone. Your job is probably one where the person in charge expects you to have a phone on your person, at least sometimes.

These points aren’t true all the time, either! Life is a constantly moving and changing thing. Sometimes you have more time, more money, and more certainty. Your feelings — about your body, your family, your short- and long-term plans — will change. And while I appreciate that the self-help books are there for the moments where you need an idea — something to push you a little bit forward — I also wish the books were less black-and-white.

I get that books have to be black-and-white. For one thing, that’s the agreed-upon ink-to-paper color combination for anything written for adults. And on a less punny level, readers are generally not interested in books that waffle; they want sure things and clarity. That’s why you reach for a self-help book in the first place.

I’ve just finished writing a kind of a self-help book, and mine is not immune to the sunnily optimistic attitude. My book says that you should find a community of people you love, and figure out how to hold on to them, especially at the end of the world. But this, too, isn’t always the thing to do. It is not always possible to take the time that’s necessary to build a kinship circle — sometimes you just have to go to work, eat, and sleep, and you have no more spoons for anything else. That’s real. Finding oneself in that situation doesn’t indicate that anything is wrong with you.

What I want to say to you, that gets cut out of the self-help books, is that the life you are already living right now is a good enough life. You are doing the best you can — you really are! I’m pretty sure that there have been days in your life when your values felt aligned with your actions, when you’ve felt in your body that you’re on a path that you chose for yourself for a reason. AND: It is unrealistic to think that there is anything you can do to feel that way every day.

You can make changes in your life — and you should! Did you know that a year ago I was fasting? I read a self-help book about the power of fasting, I found it compelling, and I quietly went about fasting until 2 p.m. every day. I loved this experiment: it was fascinating and informative. My body felt like something I knew and understood better. I felt almost spiritual about it (bullet point five!); while I was fasting, I came closer to a deeper understanding about myself and about being an animal. But I had to stop because my hair started falling out, because it can be difficult to be a vegan / vegetarian and get enough protein / calories to meet your needs when you undergo daily fasting. (That’s what I read, at least. And when I stopped fasting, my hair stopped falling! So it is probably true.) I liked making a change in my life; I liked that it was hard; I felt proud of myself for doing it. And when I stopped, my life wasn’t suddenly worse or less worthy.

Trying things on is wonderful. Finding things that work long-term is an enormous gift that can’t be overstated. But when things don’t work, when they fall apart — it’s not because you are doing something wrong. Adjust. Keep doing the next best thing. You are doing a good enough job, now.

So many of these books are about how you will feel when you are dying. When you are dying, what will you regret? What will you wish you had done differently? I’d like to offer this to you: you can be struggling, unhappy, and scraping bottom — and you still don’t need to regret anything. The choices you’ve made until now you’ve made for a reason. If you learned later on that the reason wasn’t ideal, then hey: that’s great information. But you are here. That’s amazing. On days when you simply can’t stretch yourself to be more than you are, try with all your heart to hold the absolute truth that the you of right now is plenty.

Good luck out there, bravely facing all that breaks your heart.

Housekeeping

• The book I illustrated for Hannah Shaw (Kitten Lady!) is available for pre-order (publishes July 1), and I wanted to share with you the sample images that are on Amazon (but here’s the Bookshop.org link, natch.)

• Chicago! We have two more free in-person co-writes coming up at The

  Office of Modern Composition
  . April 2 and May 7, 4-5:30 p.m. The first one was really fun and productive. More information here. If you think you want to come, respond to this email and let me know!

• I’m going to do another print run! That means two things: (1) I’m also preparing a new in-the-mail package for people at that subscription tier. (Pssst: you don’t have to pay $250 for that tier; you can change that number to anything above $50, so long as you do it on the desktop version of Substack. It does cost about $65 a year in materials for me to send mail to you quarterly, so please keep that in mind when you upgrade!); and (2) we have to vote on what the print will be! (This print will be available to everyone; Mail Tier people just get it automatically. :) )

  

  

Loose Thoughts

• OK, so, it’s time to start thinking about a spring playlist. What screams “spring music” to you? I am finding that this year my song choices are all much too spare and rainy, but maybe that’s just the moment? I’m seeking specific AND broad answers to this question.

• I went on a real journey with a pair of cashmere pants this year. For the first month I had them, I wore them every single day and I loved them more than I’d ever loved an item of clothing. But then they started to pill, and no amount of combing tamed it — plus, you can’t really watch cashmere. (I mean, you CAN, but I can’t. I can’t do any Real Grownup things like that.) So now I don’t reach for them, and I find myself wondering about that. Were they worth it? I think yes… the pilling is inevitable if you’re going to be in love.

• Spring is a difficult time to have clothing. Nothing feels warm enough or cool enough. Last night I went out with Kat and I wore a little dress with a regular jacket and sometimes was too hot and sometimes was too cold. OK, I wasn’t ever too cold, it was unseasonably warm for the whole night. But this conundrum is real this time of year.

• Basically — what is your favorite thing to wear in spring?

• I read somewhere, but didn’t click on the link, that if you use lip balm, you’ll have to use more lip balm. Like the more you use, the more you need. What do I do about this?

• More often, lately, I am finding it possible to live my one wild and precious life. An example: my cat Norman is a Republican, and I decide to love him anyway. (Except I don’t condone his behavior or his politics. His paw-litics.)

• Or, for example, yesterday I painted a mural! My friend Diana went with me to Home Depot, because I was afraid I was going to get in trouble for asking for so many small samples of mixed paint (not in an intellectual way, but in an emotional way), and so she protected me by doing it for me. (It was not scary, she was right.) I bought nine things of paint! And then in one seven-hour day, I painted the whole dining room mural. This is the kind of thing I’m often like, “I will do that one day, when there is time.” Well, there’s always time, if you don’t do anything else for that day.

  

• I keep forgetting that after last month’s book club, reader

  Anne Covino
  sent me pictures of this ube macapuno cake she made, and they were so beautiful I wanted to share them with you. Here they are.