There was a great episode of Culture Study a few months back about therapy speak I think. They mentioned something along the lines of boundaries being something you set for yourself, rather than impose on other people. And I thought that was such an interesting reframe. Like, I get to walk away when X boundary is crossed but I can’t actually control you by forcing you not to do X. The one self help book I’ve LOVED was Four Thousand Weeks which I still think about all the time.
Yes! The Dr. Becky Kennedy definition of boundaries: “a boundary is something you do when something happens.” That’s been really helpful for me too. And I am just finishing Oliver Burkeman’s new one as we speak. Basically the same stuff but I need it over and over. 4,000 weeks is one of my top ten books, ever. You have great taste!
I was prepared to be a jaded self-help reader about 4,000 Weeks and came away loving it instead. (Good reminder that I loaned a copy to a friend and it went walkabout. Time to find another!)
The black and white nature of self help books drives me crazy - as does the assumption that everyone (I) knows themselves well enough to make the changes they (I) most need. Not always as easy as it sounds! But this doesn't stop me from continuing to read self help books...🤔
Oh my gosh all of this is beautiful. I went through a period of buying and partially reading self-help books like crazy! It was weird because I recognized in myself that I was LOOKING for something. I mean I suppose it was “help” but geez it was like this antsy, fidgety feeling. And I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I needed your writing on this back then :-) Also, I look forward to “A Note for You, if You’re Having a Bad Day” more than any other thing I subscribe to on here.
agreed entirely on your thoughts on black and white thinking.
have we talked about oliver burkeman? have you read any of his books or newsletters? he speaks to similar concepts in meaningful and helpful ways (to me). one idea he offers is that he thinks of his to-do list as a MENU. not something it's possible to order and eat everything off of. and i think all the black and white offerings of the self-help suggestions you've outlined could be seen as a menu as well. some days we have a lot of room on our plate for a lot of options. other days life happens in a different way.
i like to think about these things as GUIDELINES as opposed to RULES.
there is a spirit underlying each of the self-helpful suggestions, and the overall spirit is to help us live our lives more easily, more healthily, more kindly to ourself and others, and it's always possible that our "failure" to live up to the impossible task of ordering every self-help item on the menu every day can make things less easy, less helpful, less kind to ourselves.
also, there's always a lot of great advice out there that contradicts other great advice, because not all great advice is helpful for every person in every moment. for example, if we're doing too much, "do less" is a great piece of advice. and if we want to be doing more and we have the capacity to, "do less" isn't the best advice. like, when we've just inhaled, a good piece of advice is "now exhale," but when we've just exhaled, the advice is the opposite!
thanks as always for sharing your loving, nuanced, helpful thoughts!
i love reading what you write and drawing what you draw.
I think a good spring song captures what it’s like to suddenly have the full range of feelings again, after the numb pseudosadness and exhaustion of Seasonal Affective Winter (which would be neither numb nor pseudosad if hibernation were allowed). All winter I think “Spring will be so great! I will feel again!” And then spring comes and I feel again and…. that means feeling so many things, some of them not that pleasant, a fact Winter Me consistently forgets or denies. My misshapen spring playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5WEdr8M1uQvUAwUHpPJI9v?si=AOn9ejpdQSGkuoY8xjCkfA&pi=rFva6FUzRdC5f
Playlist: for the days of spring that are wet, windy, and/or bone-chillingly cold, we find ourselves listening to a lot of Celtic trad music (instrumental and otherwise). Soothing! Energetic! Sad! Hopeful! It’s perfect for embracing the season for us.
Lip balm: I have found this to be so true, and applicable to all of our skin! Since our bodies love homeostasis so much, the cycles/patterns we regularly practice will lead to that level of moisture balance/retention. So if I wash my face twice a day, and then abruptly stop that practice, I’ll find my skin producing oil at the rate previously needed to maintain its moisture as if I was stripping the oil away often (very oily). If I wash my hair only once in a while, my scalp will get the message eventually and not make as much oil. A sustainable lip balm practice for me has been application once at night before bed at most. Other times? They’re on their own! I just will drink more water if I’m feeling desiccated.
I loved this post - so much good wisdom . Thank you, Sophie! Also, if the $50 tier benefits cost to $65 to do quarterly, maybe it's then just once or twice a year? I imagine we who get delicious things in the mail will be just as happy and also glad you are making (not losing) money! ❤️
Spring clothes: I have no idea. I stopped wearing dresses except while dancing, so I have no advice there. I did buy a Patagonia lightweight jacket for layering under my cycling jacket and have been switching between those two and my wind jacket in different combinations on these days of varied temps.
For your playlist: Allison Russell’s “Springtime.” I was listening to it the other day when I saw the first daffodils, and it was absolutely perfect. I don’t know Bad Bunny’s new album well enough yet, but I’ve listened to it a few times, and I do think there are some good spring songs on there. “Everything Rises” on Sufjan Stevens’s album Javelin. And…Joe Troop has an incredible album from a few years back called Borrowed Time, and the final track “Heaven on Earth” is 100% joy!!
I love how you advocate for self-compassion in your writing.
As humans, we do tend to like strightforward things that are quick and easy to grasp. I think that's a symptom of the chronic burnout culture we seem to be in. But nuance is where self-compassion becomes possible. There is no space for compassion in the black and white.
Thank you for your beautifully nuanced and thoughtful pieces of writing ❤️ not to mention the incredible illustrations!! 🤩
Thank you for this. I needed it today 💜
There was a great episode of Culture Study a few months back about therapy speak I think. They mentioned something along the lines of boundaries being something you set for yourself, rather than impose on other people. And I thought that was such an interesting reframe. Like, I get to walk away when X boundary is crossed but I can’t actually control you by forcing you not to do X. The one self help book I’ve LOVED was Four Thousand Weeks which I still think about all the time.
Yes! The Dr. Becky Kennedy definition of boundaries: “a boundary is something you do when something happens.” That’s been really helpful for me too. And I am just finishing Oliver Burkeman’s new one as we speak. Basically the same stuff but I need it over and over. 4,000 weeks is one of my top ten books, ever. You have great taste!
I was prepared to be a jaded self-help reader about 4,000 Weeks and came away loving it instead. (Good reminder that I loaned a copy to a friend and it went walkabout. Time to find another!)
I really love this tune. It pops into my mind at the beginning of every spring: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GKO-00a8OtI
The black and white nature of self help books drives me crazy - as does the assumption that everyone (I) knows themselves well enough to make the changes they (I) most need. Not always as easy as it sounds! But this doesn't stop me from continuing to read self help books...🤔
Sprig song? Elia Regina’s “Aguas de Março”
Oh my gosh all of this is beautiful. I went through a period of buying and partially reading self-help books like crazy! It was weird because I recognized in myself that I was LOOKING for something. I mean I suppose it was “help” but geez it was like this antsy, fidgety feeling. And I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I needed your writing on this back then :-) Also, I look forward to “A Note for You, if You’re Having a Bad Day” more than any other thing I subscribe to on here.
dear sophie,
a wonderful piece.
agreed entirely on your thoughts on black and white thinking.
have we talked about oliver burkeman? have you read any of his books or newsletters? he speaks to similar concepts in meaningful and helpful ways (to me). one idea he offers is that he thinks of his to-do list as a MENU. not something it's possible to order and eat everything off of. and i think all the black and white offerings of the self-help suggestions you've outlined could be seen as a menu as well. some days we have a lot of room on our plate for a lot of options. other days life happens in a different way.
i like to think about these things as GUIDELINES as opposed to RULES.
there is a spirit underlying each of the self-helpful suggestions, and the overall spirit is to help us live our lives more easily, more healthily, more kindly to ourself and others, and it's always possible that our "failure" to live up to the impossible task of ordering every self-help item on the menu every day can make things less easy, less helpful, less kind to ourselves.
also, there's always a lot of great advice out there that contradicts other great advice, because not all great advice is helpful for every person in every moment. for example, if we're doing too much, "do less" is a great piece of advice. and if we want to be doing more and we have the capacity to, "do less" isn't the best advice. like, when we've just inhaled, a good piece of advice is "now exhale," but when we've just exhaled, the advice is the opposite!
thanks as always for sharing your loving, nuanced, helpful thoughts!
i love reading what you write and drawing what you draw.
excited to read your next book!
love
myq
I think a good spring song captures what it’s like to suddenly have the full range of feelings again, after the numb pseudosadness and exhaustion of Seasonal Affective Winter (which would be neither numb nor pseudosad if hibernation were allowed). All winter I think “Spring will be so great! I will feel again!” And then spring comes and I feel again and…. that means feeling so many things, some of them not that pleasant, a fact Winter Me consistently forgets or denies. My misshapen spring playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5WEdr8M1uQvUAwUHpPJI9v?si=AOn9ejpdQSGkuoY8xjCkfA&pi=rFva6FUzRdC5f
just looked at your playlist. i loooove john k. samson’s winter wheat!!! on rotation for me rn. big comfort and hope in that song
Absolutely 🌾🌾
Playlist: for the days of spring that are wet, windy, and/or bone-chillingly cold, we find ourselves listening to a lot of Celtic trad music (instrumental and otherwise). Soothing! Energetic! Sad! Hopeful! It’s perfect for embracing the season for us.
Lip balm: I have found this to be so true, and applicable to all of our skin! Since our bodies love homeostasis so much, the cycles/patterns we regularly practice will lead to that level of moisture balance/retention. So if I wash my face twice a day, and then abruptly stop that practice, I’ll find my skin producing oil at the rate previously needed to maintain its moisture as if I was stripping the oil away often (very oily). If I wash my hair only once in a while, my scalp will get the message eventually and not make as much oil. A sustainable lip balm practice for me has been application once at night before bed at most. Other times? They’re on their own! I just will drink more water if I’m feeling desiccated.
I adore your new mural! Yay! :)
Re: lip balm. I started using it one winter when I was 15. It’s been over 20 years; if I go one day without my lips are chapped. It’s real.
I loved this post - so much good wisdom . Thank you, Sophie! Also, if the $50 tier benefits cost to $65 to do quarterly, maybe it's then just once or twice a year? I imagine we who get delicious things in the mail will be just as happy and also glad you are making (not losing) money! ❤️
Spring clothes: I have no idea. I stopped wearing dresses except while dancing, so I have no advice there. I did buy a Patagonia lightweight jacket for layering under my cycling jacket and have been switching between those two and my wind jacket in different combinations on these days of varied temps.
For your playlist: Allison Russell’s “Springtime.” I was listening to it the other day when I saw the first daffodils, and it was absolutely perfect. I don’t know Bad Bunny’s new album well enough yet, but I’ve listened to it a few times, and I do think there are some good spring songs on there. “Everything Rises” on Sufjan Stevens’s album Javelin. And…Joe Troop has an incredible album from a few years back called Borrowed Time, and the final track “Heaven on Earth” is 100% joy!!
I love how you advocate for self-compassion in your writing.
As humans, we do tend to like strightforward things that are quick and easy to grasp. I think that's a symptom of the chronic burnout culture we seem to be in. But nuance is where self-compassion becomes possible. There is no space for compassion in the black and white.
Thank you for your beautifully nuanced and thoughtful pieces of writing ❤️ not to mention the incredible illustrations!! 🤩
Pawlitics