The Ultimate Gift Guide That's Only Kind Of An Actual Gift Guide

There is a gift guide section to this gift guide. There are also other sections.

Hello Friend!

Normally, I write to you on Wednesdays and Fridays separately. This week, a week of sugar and shopping and shamelessness, I come to you with a single MEGA NEWSLETTER. Scroll way down if you have come here just to know how to shop; stay up at the top if you want a hearty scoop of our usual stop-beating-yourself-up fare.

No matter what, I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for being.

Love,

Sophie

Gifts You Can Give Yourself

Making pie over the course of THREE DAYS! Day three. Crust made on day one, apples chopped on day two.

I realized something this year, when I took three days to cook my Thanksgiving¹ meal. It’s important to note that I’ve historically never given myself this kind of time. I’ve only known hosting holidays to be frazzled and strained, a kitchen choked with tortured cutting boards and nary-a-clean-wooden-spoon. The people show up, and the food is still in process, and every surface is untidy. My guests forgive me, but I don’t like how it feels anyway. But by doing the bulk of the work on Tuesday and Wednesday, I remembered how joyful it can be to cook. I could wax poetic about this, but if you know, you know. I think the best way I can convey what I mean is that there are two possibilities for chopped onions: rag-tag, mixed-sized bits and pieces that have been passed over only once with a chef’s knife; and uniform, tiny rectangles that feel like pleasing, wet confetti in your hands. The onions in my dishes this Thanksgiving were the latter onions. And these are the onions of joy.

On Thanksgiving Day, I had time to go for a short run, and as I rounded the last corner, I thought about how, when given three full calendar days to cook and clean up, the holiday didn’t feel rushed and bustling or even too sugary. (Although I did make three types of pie, so.) It felt restful. “Ah,” I thought. “I think this is the point: you rest, and you eat. And then you rest again.” It so rarely feels that way to me that I had sort of not realized that if you strip away the traveling, and the strangled social calendar, and the full day in a kitchen, this five-day weekend is exactly that: a five-day weekend, where everyone else also has a five-day weekend, so you can be with your people. This feels good. It feels like what my body wants as the winter gets wintery-er. With this revelation, I offer the following gift suggestions for you to give to yourself. 

However long you ordinarily give yourself to do a task, double it. 

This won’t always be possible, and there’s a the annoying paradox of Parkinson’s Law ("work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”). But if and when you CAN give yourself twice as much time, the result will probably be variations on onions of joy. Brush your hair for twice as long, and you’ll have time to realize that it feels nice to have soft bristles against your scalp. Take out the garbage for twice as long, and you can lollygag by the milkweed pods and consider them. (Can you believe nature just MAKES THESE?)

Say “no” five more times than you reflexively would.

In winter, you really CAN say, “Ask me again in March. I will be a different animal in March. For December through February, I am going to be taking twice as long to take out the garbage, and I’m sleeping two more hours per night, so you see how that gets in the way of me having time to read your novel.” There’s this productivity rule about if you don’t want to do it now, you won’t want to do it a month from now, and that might be true sometimes. But also, if you say no to fun things in winter, you’ll miss them by the time it’s spring — and that means that they’ll have the opportunity to become fun again. It’s like how if you teach elementary school for a decade between college and grad school, grad school homework becomes the literal most fun thing you can possibly imagine. (Proven through experience.)

Enjoy your food.

If there’s a time to get really into intuitive eating, The Sugar Holidays is it. Since you’re already slowing way down, decide not to eat anything at your desk, or even while watching TV. Sit at a table and enjoy the rich, fatty, sugary, gluteny, magnificent, waist-thickening winter food that is abundant this time of year. And then, when diet culture rears its ugly head in January, shaming you for eating all that wonderful food, look it square in the face (does diet culture HAVE a face? I feel like it’s Gwyneth Paltrow, but that may be an oversimplification), and say, “Not today, treadmill! I loved each and every bite of that food, and I have no regrets about eating it.” And then keep eating it, until your body says, “This doesn’t feel good anymore."

Gifts You Can Give Your Family

I’ve been thinking a lot about family for the past few months. I’ve been writing privately about it. I’ve been researching it — insofar as I have been researching, actually, friendship: the science of it, the meaning of it, the corners of it, the depths. I’ve been thinking about the definition of the word “family,” and I’ve decided that it’s this: your family are the people who love you now the way that the people who cared for you loved you when you were a baby. 

This definition is clearer to me as a person with a baby. The unconditional quality of the love you have for a baby feels mystical and absolute. No matter what a baby does, you love them. Of course you do. They can throw your expensive wedding ring into the ocean (I’m not sure why you’ve given the baby your wedding ring, or why you’ve brought them so close to the ocean, but good job teaching them how to throw!), and you will love them THE SAME AMOUNT as you did before they lost your priceless ring. And I think this is what it is to be family.

There are people in your life now whom I hope you feel this way about, even if they don’t realize it. And there are people in your life who feel this way about you, and who will love you no matter how dark a hole you’re in, no matter how many times you date the wrong person or neglect to clean the bathroom. It’s not like they won’t get mad or feel disappointed; it’s that they will love you completely, as a constant, no matter what. If you think about “family” this way, are there people that come to mind? Think hard. Do you have them in your mind? OK. Here are some things you can give to those people.

Tell them they’re your family.

More than that, tell them how grateful you are that they’re your family, and remind them that you love them unconditionally. “I want you to know that even if you took my car and crashed it into my favorite tree, destroying the car AND the tree, I would still love you just as much as I do now. My love for you is the same as all the mass in the universe: it can’t be destroyed. It is, simply, a fact,” you might say to them. Or some iteration of that. One thing I’ve learned writing this newsletter is that so many people beat themselves up. People (maybe even YOUR people!) want to be card for, but they suspect that they’re not deserving of care, or that care is not available to them. Put it into words: they are worthy, they are deserving, and they are possessing. Now and always. They are your family. 

Spend time.

In a study that Lydia Denworth cites in her book on the science of friendship, a researcher named Jeff Hall determined that it takes between 40 and 60 hours for an acquaintance to become a casual friend, between 80 to 100 hours for a casual friendship to become a sturdy friendship, and over 200 hours of time together before someone is considered a “best friend.” Denworth adds, “How people spent those hours mattered. By itself, time is not enough, nor is proximity.” There’s an important balance of both intimacy and joking around that has to exist in order to build a quality relationship. In general, researches have found, the quality of relationships is dependent on emotional energy. Aristotle, who wrote a WHOLE LOT about friendship, said that, "Those who quickly show the marks of friendship to each other wish to be friends, but are not friends unless they both are lovable and know the fact; for a wish for friendship may arise quickly, but friendship does not.” In other words, you can WANT to be close to someone quickly, but friendship itself takes time. Insist on putting some time on the calendar with your family. This is the biggest gift you can give — and its residuals aren’t too shabby, either. 

Relax into listening. 

I read some advice in Real Simple this year (I read all the women’s magazines so that you don’t have to) that I have already taken. The advice was simple (just like the title of the magazine promises!): when you are at a gathering, having a conversation, totally relax while you’re listening to someone else talk. This means: don’t think about your phone, don’t think about what’s going on in the next room, don’t think about what you’re going to say next or ask next or do next to keep the conversation interesting; don’t even think about what it means to be “actively listening,” with all the right “mms” and eye contact and nodding. When someone starts talking to you, intentionally relax your shoulder blades, release your jaw, and pay attention to the person you’re with the way you pay attention to a delicious book or a TV show. Become curious and try to believe that nothing about this situation is scary or threatening. Give your family the gift of truly enjoying their company. It’s a big one.

Gifts You Can Buy and Make

OK, so you didn’t want my life philosophy when you clicked on an email that promised a gift guide. You wanted a list of links to places where you could buy unique mugs or tarot decks. You wanted a list of things that would turn you into a “good gift giver” — whatever that is. I have just emerged from the addictively glorious shadows of Black Friday shopping, and I am not immune to these desires. Here are some gifts I like to give that generally go over well.

A photo book from a specific outing or day or trip. (From $7.99.)

Do you to that thing where you take waaaay too many pictures all at once? Like, the day you went to the sculpture garden with your friends, you took 350 photos that are basically very similar? And now they’re clogging up your phone? Print THEM ALL OUT in one relatively inexpensive book. (I use Chatbooks, but there are tons of places that are itching to be in the business of doing this for you.) Give a copy to each of the friends you went on the outing with, keep one for yourself, and delete the pictures. A thoughtful gift and a helpful phone-clearing task, rolled into one. Voila.

Or get them a portable photo printer. ($99.)

These come in tons of shapes, sizes, and quality-levels. It’s very fun to be able to instantly print any old JPG you have on your phone. Someone brought one of these to Thanksgiving this year and said it was “the best thing they’d bought all year.” Getting the digital world out into the physical world is, indeed, a thrill. 

A spice and a recipe. (From $5.)

Print out a copy of a recipe you enjoyed making this year, and then buy a high-end version of one of the spices required for the recipe. I always buy from Burlap and Barrel because I’m obsessed with their cinnamon, so I have to buy a bunch of that every year anyway.

Dried fruit, a poem, and $5. 

This is my favorite “whenever” present, and it has been since my mom mailed me this gift when I was in college. She sent a bag of dried mangos, a printed-out Wallace Stevens poem, and a $5 bill in a manilla envelope, and I thought, “This ticks every box.” It felt thoughtful without feeling overly sentimental; it felt useful without feeling extravagant; it felt pleasurable without feeling unhealthy. I’ve done this multiple times when it’s someone’s birthday and I don’t know what else to do. Everyone always loves it.

Your personal favorite pen. (From $1.)

When in doubt, a pen and a blank card (with a stamp on the envelope for bonus points) it is a great gift. Include a handwritten letter folded neatly in the card, explaining what you love about the person who you’re giving the gift to, and then tell them to pass the love along to someone else — you’ve included all the supplies they need to do so! I have linked to the Energel Clena, the best pen I know.

Truffle salt and popcorn. (From $10.)

Is anything better than truffle salt on popcorn? No. If you’re feeling fancy, you can also get them a silicon microwave popcorn maker. It feels like no one believes that this is the best way to make popcorn in the known universe (how COULD it be?), but it REALLY TRULY IS. 

Byrd Baylor books.  (From $5.)

These books are a perfect gift for every person of every age (I recommend “I’m In Charge of Celebrations,” “Everybody Needs A Rock,” “The Table Where Rich People Sit,” and “The Way To Start A Day”). The only problem is that they’re all slim paperbacks, which sometimes doesn’t feel fancy enough for a gift. You can add a set of colored pencils to this gift to make it a little more deluxe. After you read a Byrd Baylor book illustrated by Peter Parnall, you’re going to want to color. 

A ceramic pie dish. (This pretty Anthropologie one is $42.)

This pie dish is from Jessica, and I love it!

I have been given three of these in my life, and they’re some of my favorite things that I own. You can give them with a pie recipe, or with a jar of Burlap and Barrel royal cinnamon (see above), or filed with shiny wrapped chocolates. But if you want this to be THE BEST GIFT EVER, bake a pie in the pie dish. I’m already jealous of whomever you are giving this to.

Comic strips. (From $20 or so.)

Collections of newspaper comic strips are my favorite. You can read them non-linearly, and they bring everyone joy. I recommend “Cul de Sac,” “Moomin,” “Krazy Kat,” and “Calvin and Hobbes.”

A homemade clock. ($3.50.)

I keep a draw full of these clock movements from American Science and Surplus for any time I need a quick art project; they’re so easy it feels like a trick. You can put this clock movement on anything you can punch a hole in: I like to use corrugated cardboard that I’ve collaged and Mod Podged. You can literally use a crushed pop can if you want. The possibilities are endless. 

A loaded thumb drive. (From $5.)

Fill a thumb drive with digital ephemera that reminds you of your person. You can put mp3s, photos, short videos, or text files with URLs for websites that you like. You could load up a shareware game or two, or build a PPT. Put everything in cutely-titled folders. This gift is a project, but it’s also a great way to give something small that’s actually enormous. 

Gifts You Can Buy From Me.

I’ve added new things to my store. I would love for you to buy them!

Come Back Later, I Am Hibernating T-Shirt, $21.

This 100 percent cotton Gildan shirt is screen-printed with a hibernating doormouse who has found two acorns, and is sleeping next to them. Wear it as a statement to your friends: you, too, have found two acorns, and you’ll see them in the spring. Luke, BTW, is wearing a size MEDIUM.

You Can Do Five Things To-Do List Notebook, $25.

This 8” x 8” notebook is full of 120 blank to-do lists that can only accommodate five things! On the front is a limited edition print of the “Hi! Your To Do List Is Unrealistic!” comic — one of a 25 print run; and each notebook is numbered and signed. All notebooks are hand-bound at Sophie’s actual house, near her actual cat, Norman. WOW.

I Wish You —- Card Set, $16.

A set of five high-quality, high-delight print glossy cards that come with five beautiful, colorful envelopes. Each card is 5.5” x 4”, and is perfect for telling someone you really love how much you really love them. On the back, the cards say, “You are doing a good enough job.” This means that you can face them either way and get the message you need most, no matter what. Oh! Also! Each set comes with a surprise sticker for YOU!

A Gift Subscription to THIS VERY NEWSLETTER!

Did you know you can give a gift subscription to the paid tier of this newsletter? For just $5 a month, you can get a person you love three full emails per week from me — including a lot of special access codes, information, and conversation with like-minded humans. (You can also buy a paid subscription for yourself.)

Other things!

I have other things — t-shirts, prints, stickers, books, etc. — in my shop. Head over there! Shipping is FREE right now! Take advantage!

Gifts for your Extra Capacity.

Sometimes you’re scraping the bottom of your personal barrel, and you have nothing extra to give. Other times, your capacity can be a little more expansive, and it can be hard to know what to do with your auxiliary time or money or energy. Here are a few suggestions. 

Take out $20 in ones.

I try to do this once a month (although I hate going into the bank to do it). I take out $20 to $100 in $1 or $5 bills and fill my pockets with them. Then, whenever someone asks me for money, I give them money. That’s all there is to it. 

Buy bulk instant hand and foot warmers and granola bars.

For a few years, I’ve joined friends in making big Zip-Locks full of hand warmers and granola bars for folks who are sleeping outside on the coldest days. There are plenty of reasons people can’t or don’t go to shelters in the winter, and it can be a deadly time to be outside. 

Become a penpal.

If you like writing letters, there’s someone out there who will like reading them. Write to a person who wishes they had a grandchild. Write to a young woman going through a difficult life transition. Write to a child in the foster care system. Write to someone who’s incarcerated. Your writing could mean a lot to someone.

Volunteer locally.

Find out where volunteers are needed in your neighborhood. If you’re hoping to dip your toe into giving some time, the best place to start is near where you live. It’ll be easier to get there when it’s cold, and your work will have a direct impact on your community. Among the best ways to combat gentrification is to be directly invested in your neighborhood community. 

Donate coats, shoes, and blankets.

This time of year, there will be drives for cold weather essentials. Immigrant families especially often end up in the United States without clothes that match our sometimes-difficult winters. Find out where you can drop off your old stuff, and be sure to wash it first (and choose scent-free, allergen-free detergent).

1. A note on Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving has a nice name. It is not, however, a historically nice holiday. For many people in the United States, it is a national day of mourning. My partner Kat shared this Kelly M. Hayes thread with Native and Indigenous organizations to donate to. Our house rule is, if we have the time and money to have a huge meal, we have some to give away, too. If you also ate a bunch of food with your family on Thursday, consider giving.